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[31 Dec 2003|11:33pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well, it's the 31st, New Years Eve. I feel alot better today, got some much needed rest and some new books to read. If I distract myself enough, I'm not quite so bothered by everything. So that's cool. Eager to go home though, I miss Woogie. Oh well, I'se out. Need to eat.

1 GaNgStA| w0rd

[28 Dec 2003|10:47pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

God I have a lot of self loathing. Just thought I'd share that since it just hit me how bad it is. Dandy. Man do I have some self-esteem/worth issues.


[28 Dec 2003|10:29pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Well, time for a bitch session of epic proportions. I just got off the phone with Woogz and I've come to realize a few things. Some I already know, some just dawned on me. The first off being that I hate being away from her, it's a miserable experience. I get anxious and depressed when not around her, I base much of my self worth upon her. I know it's screwed up, I have many dependency issues and they manifest themselves at nasty lil times. So yeah, that sucks ass. I just feel like shit when not around her and I don't go home for like another 7 days. Plus the whole being in a flying tin can bit sucks also, hate planes. Efficient as all hell but still, yeech! We talked today about me going into the army and marriage, a deadly combo. She hates the fact that I've joined and thinks my reasons are stupid, I disagree. I guess it's my desire to prove my own self-worth that drove me to join, like I had to validate myself after a less then stellar high school stint. The money for college is what got me, I desperately want to get a degree in something that I like and make money from it, I want to be able to support myself and others. But Veronica hates all branches of the military and refuses to marry me until her grandmother passes away. This presents a two fold problem, one of which is that lord knows when she may pass on. Her grandmother is such an amazing and sweet person, I don't want to see her punch out on the time clock of life anytime soon. But by the same token, Veronica will not move anywhere until that happens. It's extremely selfish of me and I know it, it makes me feel creepy and bad. I just so desperately want to marry her to she will be with me while I serve my Army stint. But that won't happen. Which sucks because I have no idea how in the hell I will be able to cope without her, it's not like I'm taking some short vacation. This was a major choice I made in life and I want her support, something that wanes as time moves forward. It sucks to know that she hates what I'm joining and I hate the fact that she isn't all about it. Two sides to every coin, ya know? I understand her position, everything didn't go as advertised but I didn't really expect otherwise. They're gonna blow smoke up your ass to get you in, ya know? I just want to make the best of it and hopefully at the end of it be a better person and have a degree in something I can use. My deployment is a huge issue with us, she wants me in Barstow and I'm not sure if that is possible. From what I can tell, most law related shit happens in or around Washington. I'm a legal assistant, so I'm guessin I end up there. Makes sense, right? Well, it's a big ole issue because that would put me across the country and V ain't moving away from the family. So shit on me. Fuck dude. I don't even know, i'm just a mess of emotions and I feel like crap recently. I think my depression is setting in, I've been getting frequent headaches and I've been just sorta blah feeling. Tired, lack of appetite, uninterested in most everything. I dunno, I'm a weird motherfuck with issues. I wish everything would magically fix itself, that'd be dandy. One can only hope for such miracles. I'm going to pop some asprin now and try and get some sleep, I got an early day tomorrow. Joy. What the fuck is going on in my head.....


[28 Dec 2003|12:30am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I'm tired and ever so bored. It's been uh....9 days since I've been away from Woogz and it's catching up on me. I miss the shit of that goofball, real bad like. We had a nasty fight earlier today, I still say she takes some blame. It's not always my fault, only 90% of the time. Well, that's not real important, it was more just how much it sucked is why I write about it. Fighting hurts real bad and doing it cross country via phone while on vacation visiting family, even worse! Thankfully it's resolved though, otherwise I'd be even more miserable. But yeah, I'm tired but not sleepy, bored out my skull and have a minor headache. Christ almighty. I hate being away from her, hugging her, gettin a kiss, just hearing her voice. Miss the cat too, which is weird. So yeah, whatever, tired and going to sign off. Need to find something to do. Bored. Fuck, wanna be back in Cali with W00gie, she's my baby. Pain in my ass but still my baby. Hope she knows how much I love her.


[13 Dec 2003|02:36am]
[ mood | cold ]

It's like 2:40 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. Insomnia sucks and it's cold as shit in the apartment, little I can do about that other then put on more layers though. I thought Souther California was supposed to be warm, false advertising I'm telling ya. Been playing tons of AA since last post, practice up for the match. Also briefly surfed the Yahoo Chat rooms, see if I could find anything interesting. I came up with a big fat goose egg there, I guess I'm just looking for a lil human contact. I'm weird like that. Alright, off to take a hot shower, stop being cold.


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