Well, time for a bitch session of epic proportions. I just got off the phone with Woogz and I've come to realize a few things. Some I already know, some just dawned on me. The first off being that I hate being away from her, it's a miserable experience. I get anxious and depressed when not around her, I base much of my self worth upon her. I know it's screwed up, I have many dependency issues and they manifest themselves at nasty lil times. So yeah, that sucks ass. I just feel like shit when not around her and I don't go home for like another 7 days. Plus the whole being in a flying tin can bit sucks also, hate planes. Efficient as all hell but still, yeech! We talked today about me going into the army and marriage, a deadly combo. She hates the fact that I've joined and thinks my reasons are stupid, I disagree. I guess it's my desire to prove my own self-worth that drove me to join, like I had to validate myself after a less then stellar high school stint. The money for college is what got me, I desperately want to get a degree in something that I like and make money from it, I want to be able to support myself and others. But Veronica hates all branches of the military and refuses to marry me until her grandmother passes away. This presents a two fold problem, one of which is that lord knows when she may pass on. Her grandmother is such an amazing and sweet person, I don't want to see her punch out on the time clock of life anytime soon. But by the same token, Veronica will not move anywhere until that happens. It's extremely selfish of me and I know it, it makes me feel creepy and bad. I just so desperately want to marry her to she will be with me while I serve my Army stint. But that won't happen. Which sucks because I have no idea how in the hell I will be able to cope without her, it's not like I'm taking some short vacation. This was a major choice I made in life and I want her support, something that wanes as time moves forward. It sucks to know that she hates what I'm joining and I hate the fact that she isn't all about it. Two sides to every coin, ya know? I understand her position, everything didn't go as advertised but I didn't really expect otherwise. They're gonna blow smoke up your ass to get you in, ya know? I just want to make the best of it and hopefully at the end of it be a better person and have a degree in something I can use. My deployment is a huge issue with us, she wants me in Barstow and I'm not sure if that is possible. From what I can tell, most law related shit happens in or around Washington. I'm a legal assistant, so I'm guessin I end up there. Makes sense, right? Well, it's a big ole issue because that would put me across the country and V ain't moving away from the family. So shit on me. Fuck dude. I don't even know, i'm just a mess of emotions and I feel like crap recently. I think my depression is setting in, I've been getting frequent headaches and I've been just sorta blah feeling. Tired, lack of appetite, uninterested in most everything. I dunno, I'm a weird motherfuck with issues. I wish everything would magically fix itself, that'd be dandy. One can only hope for such miracles. I'm going to pop some asprin now and try and get some sleep, I got an early day tomorrow. Joy. What the fuck is going on in my head.....